“Dear Erik,
I hope this letter finds you well.
There is a rather urgent situation currently unfolding in Miami, a situation which you must surely be aware of, since, indeed, it is a situation of your own creation. I am talking, of course, about the fact that Rodney McGruder, your 27-year-old third-year-player, is receiving 33 minutes per game.
You must understand the terrible burden this places upon me. This amount of minutes is truly a load so burdensome that I feel I can no longer support it. When McGruder is given this much time on the court, he cannot help but accumulate the stats necessary to demand a highlight video. And then another. And then another. Ad infinitum this cycle of highlights repeats itself, until I am pushed into the abyss of madness.
If you do not immediately reduce the amount of minutes that Rodney McGruder receives, I will have no choice but divulge to the world the fact that you still keep to this day a framed photo of LeBron James on your desk, and often caress it in a manner most unsettling. And, if the minute reduction is not to my liking, I will leak another embarrassing fact of your personal life: the fact that you watch the animated .gif of Chris Bosh getting a facial from a bottle of champagne at least twenty times during an average workday, and that you are not always fully clothed during this viewings.
It would be a shame if that knowledge was somehow released, wouldn’t it? But I have given you the option to keep that information under wraps should you desire it to remain a secret. The choice is yours and I trust you will make the correct one when the time comes.
Best,
-DownToBuck
P.S. Those new Heat jerseys are super fresh. So you got that part right at least.”