Scrolling down the Nets-Mavericks box-score, I am struck by an intriguing total: Ed Davis with seventeen points. Using my amazing powers of statistical recall, I quickly determine that seventeen is the most that Davis has scored in the past three seasons. A highlight video must be made at once.
My eye darts to the left of the box-score table to investigate what the nature of the seventeen points was. Immediately, my heart sinks. Davis was a perfect eight-of-eight from the field and made his single free throw attempt. All of a sudden, my job has just been made significantly more difficult.
Before I allow myself to begin the comparatively enjoyable task of collecting and compiling the necessary clips for the highlight video, I return to my bedroom. There, under my bed, are the things I need: a hammer, a chisel, and the mystical artifact itself: the stone tablet upon which are carved the names of all players who shoot a perfect 100% from the field on seven or greater attempts.
I liken the tablet to those of Moses and his ten commandments from God, but my tablet is much more important in the grand scheme of human history, for this is the tablet which will be discovered by aliens millions of years from now combing through the burnt-out wreckage of humanity’s failed civilization. When runaway nuclear reactions have incinerated all industry and economy, uncontrolled super-strength pathogens have decimated the human population, and the subsequent state of anarchy results in full obliteration of the scraps of civilization, this tablet will survive intact to provide alien archaeologists a glimpse into which NBA basketball players have achieved the notable feat of taking more than five field goals in a game without missing one.
However, the name-carving process is laborious. Sitting at my workbench, I set to work, carefully chiseling each letter of Ed Davis’ name with practiced precision. My only saving grace is that the name itself is very short. Finally, after much sweat, and with sore hands, the last serif of the final “S” is cut into the stone, and the work is finished. The sacred stone tablet, which may well be the only fragment of written languages that alien explorers will ever encounter, I replace in its spot under the bed.
All in a days’ work for DownToBuck, who is, yes, the preeminent provider of NBA highlights on YouTube, but the most dedicated chronicler of human achievement that mankind has ever seen.