Although I have taken many steps to ensure that the cursed white sand known colloquially as “snow” does not ever make contact with my bare skin, I must always be vigilant. Satan’s precipitation can be hurled from the clouds with very little warning. In fact, a blizzard is preferable to a brief burst of flurries, since the blizzard will be predicted days in advance, giving me time to prepare my defenses, while flurries might occur on any cloudy day between the months of October and April.
Not only must I take physical precautions while residing in this cursed land of Minnesota where the devil’s sand is an ever-present threat, but I must take mental precautions as well. When shopping for Christmas presents, for example, I must be prepared to witness whimsical depictions of snowflakes, snowmen, and other snowy scenes. These depictions are of great cultural importance to the sorry inhabitants of this land forsaken by God, so they cannot be avoided no matter how many layers of jackets I wear upon my body.
It requires great force of will for me not to immediately rip down these decorative snowflakes and construction-paper cutouts of snowmen from their hangings and deposit them in the nearest trash receptacle. In the parlance of these people, I am “triggered” by traditional wintertime decorations, but I stoically keep my triggeredness to myself. Despite their many shortcomings, and their blatant inability to recognize that, due to past transgressions of an unknown nature, they have been cursed by God to suffer the torment of snow, the people of Minnesota are good people and I dearly wish to remain on good terms with them.
Please wish me luck. Soon I will be going to the Timberwolves’ Christmas party, where fake snow and other typical Minnesotan decorations will certainly be present despite my gentle suggestions that the party be held in an undecorated conference room. Pray that my patience does not snap and I lose standing with my teammates. And pray doubly hard that no cursed white sand will fall upon me as I make the journey there.