“Dear Father, My need grows more urgent by the day. The hair on my head abandons me like a deserter abandons his post. Meanwhile, you are able to maintain a full head of beautiful thick hair even in your advanced age. Since we know that baldness is a trait that is passed from father to…
Read MoreDarren Collison 24 Points Full Highlights (12/23/2015)
Strap your butts in, everybody. DTB highlight making rationale coming through. Darren Collison had five assists in this game, which is right on the border for whether I show them or not. For a PG it’s a little low, but I can be swayed if it’s a lower-profile dude, a category that Collison might or…
Read MoreThaddeus Young 29 Points Full Highlights (12/23/2015)
Thaddeus Young scoring 29 points may not seem like a very exciting performance to you. You ignorant pleb. Let me show you the numerous errors in the labored and excruciatingly slow process you call “thinking”. Firstly, the Mad Thadder hit 14 shots to get his 29 points, including a single (clutch) triple, while missing all…
Read MoreJ.J. Barea Career High 32 Points/11 Assists Full Highlights (12/23/2015)
J.J. Barea awoke to the blare of the hotel room alarm clock. He groggily opened his eyes, his head pounding from the night of hard partying he had just experienced. Despite the annoying alarm’s best efforts, it could not remove Barea’s memories of beautiful ladies and plentiful booze at one of New York’s most exclusive…
Read MoreAaron Gordon 14 Points/2 Dunks Full Highlights (12/23/2015)
Why does this keep happening to me? Long story short: I see Aaron Gordon has 14 in the second quarter against the Rockets, I get hyped for his upcoming career high, and then he doesn’t score again. Shorter version, for those who prefer to not read sentences: Aaron Gordon, 14 at half, DTB hype, Aaron…
Read MoreRandy Foye 31 Points Full Highlights (12/23/2015)
It’s time again for everybody’s favorite experiment: the Randy Foye at point guard experiment! We got a taste of this two years ago, late in the Nuggets’ season, when Ty Lawson, Andre Miller, and Aaron Brooks (???) were all out of commission. And it lead to some pretty bananas statlines. Like a 30 and 15…
Read MoreFrank Kaminsky 23 Points Full HIghlights (12/23/2015)
I’m gonna be honest with you: These might be the most unentertaining rookie-year 23 point highlights that I’ve ever seen. It’s just not fun to watch at all. Yeah, it’s Frank Kaminsky, and yeah, he’s scoring a career-high in points. That description is way more fun than the video itself. Maybe I’ve been watching too…
Read MoreBeno Udrih 14 Points/6 Assists Full Highlights (12/22/2015)
It turns out that Beno “Bueno” Udrih has championship rings. If you didn’t remember that, I don’t blame you, because I was not informed of this fact until around the time that the Chalmers-Udrih trade took place. It makes sense, though: he was part of two Spurs teams that won in the Finals; therefore, by…
Read MoreGary Harris 21 Points Full Highlights (12/22/2015)
After the failure of my #hypedForGaryHarris hashtag and the additional failure of my #whoCaresAboutCourtneyLee hashtag, I have come to the conclusion that the denizens of the internet are simply too stupid to understand the subtle humor yet razor-sharp commentary of a well-crafted hashtag. Either that or they’re totally apathetic to being told what hashtags they…
Read MoreNikola Jokic 15 Points/5 Assists Full Highlights (12/22/2015)
The ethnic tension in the Nuggets’ locker room just keeps building. Jusuf Nurkic was the people’s champ last season with Denver, what with his antagonistic behavior and goofy personality. The next bruising Euro center, appearing out of nowhere to be a force already in his rookie year. Now I, along with the rest of America,…
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