Yesterday, I told Buddy (my twelve-foot-tall 3D-printed purple plastic naked sentient statue of Buddy Hield that I mistakenly ordered from a custom 3D-printing place over a year ago) that he should invent his own cryptocurrency. The reason I told him to do that is so that we can do a “soft test” of his custom-designed…
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JaVale McGee Career High 33 Points/20 Rebounds/6 Blocks Full Highlights (3/22/2019)
JaVale McGee sat cross-legged on the locker room floor, a screwdriver in one hand, a soldering iron in the other, looking confused. “JaVale, what the heck are you doing?” LeBron James said as he walked into the room, trying and failing to contain his exasperation towards his immature, scatter-brained teammate. “Science fair project?” Looking up…
Read MoreTyler Dorsey Career High 29 Points/9 Assists Full Highlights (3/22/2019)
Tyler Dorsey opened his eyes slowly to find himself in a completely unfamiliar location. He sat up in confusion, trying to remember what he had been doing before he had mysteriously turned up in this place. After a few seconds of groggy thought that didn’t go anywhere, he gave up and, instead, observed his surroundings….
Read MoreBuddy Hield 29 Points/7 Threes Full Highlights (3/21/2019)
Lately I’ve been having bad dreams about what transpired in the zoo parking lot on that fateful night a few months ago. The short version of the story is, I took me and Buddy (my twelve-foot-tall 3D-printed purple plastic naked sentient statue of Buddy Hield) to the big zoo in the big city to play…
Read MoreJonas Valanciunas Career High 33 Points/1 Game-Winning Missed Free Throw Full Highlights (3/20/2019)
It was easy, too easy, for Jonas Valanciunas to gain entry into the dim office building. A janitor had been outside taking his smoke break, and a quick five-thousand-dollar payment had gotten Jonas in through the building’s loading dock without difficulty. Now, Jonas prowled through the halls, the layout of which were familiar to him,…
Read MoreMario Hezonja 17 Points/1 Block Full Highlights (3/17/2019)
LeBron James sat in the back of the team plane as it flew to wherever their next game was. He didn’t know their schedule anymore, nor did he care. It was all over. There would be no Finals. There would be no playoffs. Would he even play in the rest of the team’s games? That…
Read MoreKelly Oubre 32 Points Full Highlights (3/16/2019)
“Yo Kelly, what’s up with all the iPhones pointed-” “CUT! CUT!” Kelly yelled in exasperation, interrupting his monologue to glare at Tyler Johnson, who had just walked into his impromptu video production studio that was set up in the bathroom of the visitor’s locker room. “You absolute idiot. Can you not see that I’m in…
Read MoreKelly Oubre 22 Points Full Highlights (3/15/2019)
Kelly Oubre carefully placed the fourth of four iPhones on a tripod pointed at a spot in front of the locker-room mirror. The other three iPhones were also on tripods and varying distances from the apparent focus of the shot, a stool sitting in front of the mirror. “Hey Richaun, come over here and make…
Read MoreBuddy Hield 34 Points/7 Assists Full Highlights (3/14/2019)
I’m so conflicted right now. So, on one hand, I’ve got computational hardware in my possession that is so unbelievably powerful that, if I used it to mine Bitcoin, I would never have to worry about money ever again in my life. Assuming that I would mine close to 100% of the Bitcoin remaining to…
Read MoreTaj Gibson 25 Points Full Highlights (3/10/2019)
Taj Gibson walked up to his locker and quickly noticed that it wasn’t set up quite how he expected it. His jersey was hanging in its place, and the customary bottle of Gatorade (orange flavor – his favorite) had been put in its spot on the shelf, but there was something unexpected there next to…
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