Stern has recently commissioned my services as an expert NBA analyst. He wishes me to tabulate a list of the most dynamic, high-flying point guard-big man duos in the league. From what I understand, this information will be used by the NBA’s marketing department in deciding who to feature in television advertisements. Without further ado,…
Read MoreTag: Utah Jazz
Derrick Favors 21 Points/3 Blocks Full Highlights (11/11/2013)
OFFICIAL PLAYERS NAMED DERRICK CURRENTLY IN THE NBA POWER RANKINGS: (Brought to you by Taco Bell’s new Cheetos Explosion Grande: a burrito filled to the breaking point with Cheeto bits, fiery habanero Velveeta sauce, and a brown lumpy substance that might be animal in origin! Try one today!) 1. Derrick Favors This guy is just…
Read MoreGordon Hayward 28 Points/5 Assists Full Highlights (11/6/2013)
His pale skin looked almost translucent, the light of his monitor bathing him in a ghostly blue tinge. Empty Hot Pocket wrappers and half-eaten Pop Tarts littered the surface of his desk. The click-clack of keys was ceaseless. Gordon Hayward, mouth agape, stubble reaching critical levels, fervently upgraded his units. “Must…construct…additional…pylons…” he murmured. His eyes…
Read MoreEnes Kanter 14 Points Full Highlights (10/30/2013)
Enes “The Inkantation” Kanter needs no introduction. The 3rd overall pick in 2011, he has doused the league in kerosene and set it alight, then stared intently at the NBA as it writhed and burned, then ran around his neighborhood setting trash cans on fire to see the glorious, beautiful flame. Just kidding. (Though he…
Read MoreAlec Burks 24 Points/6 Assists Full Highlights (10/30/2013)
Despair no more Jazz fans! You have gotten your wish; your team is tanking. The front office might not admit it, they might claim they are trying to win every game. But while they may be trying to win, any team that willingly acquires Andris Biedrins is not planning a victory parade any time soon….
Read MoreAl Jefferson Career High 40 Points Full Highlights (4/12/2013)
Time machines are fun. To celebrate Al Jefferson’s 40 point game, I revved mine up and set the chronometer to about a decade ago. The location I set to Prentiss, Mississippi. Luckily my newer model has patented TerraLocation technology, so I don’t have to worry about orbits and solar movements and such. Anyway, I had…
Read MoreRandy Foye 26 Points/8 Threes Full Highlights (3/30/2013)
Who do you think Randy Foye’s best bro is on the Jazz? Al Jefferson – He’s a black hole on offense, and also a black hole in terms of emotional investment. Enes Kanter – So good looking that every time you go out clubbing with him you look like a deformed maniac in comparison and…
Read MoreMo Williams 28 Points/5 Assists Full Highlights (3/29/2013)
I have compiled a list of the worst all-stars in the last decade. Given the content of this video, it should be no surprise who appears at the top of the list. 1. Jamaal Magloire 2. Brad Miller 3. Mo Williams 4. Antoine Walker 5. Chris Kaman 6. Roy Hibbert 7. Devin Harris 8. Josh…
Read MoreEnes Kanter 17 Points Full Highlights (3/24/2013)
The Turks really need to work on developing their guards better. It seems every Turkish player in the NBA is a center or power forward. What’s up with that? Is every adult male 6′ 9” over there? Or do the tall players get too much scout and trainer attention, leaving the guards to languish? It’s…
Read MoreGordon Hayward 27 Points Full Highlights (3/21/2013)
What percentage of NBA players smoke marijuana? It’s got to be pretty high (get it, haha I crack myself up). But seriously, if I was a young multimillionaire I would be blazing that ish every day. Especially because I’d fear no repercussions from the cops. Or my parents. I only ask this because Gordon Hayward…
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