Jimmer Fredette 15 Points Full Highlights (1/2/2014)

Jimmer Fredette sat alone in the Kings cafeteria, enjoying a burger and some fries.

“Hey look, it’s loser Jimmer, sitting by his loser self!” DeMarcus Cousins had swaggered over with his posse of Derrick Williams and Quincy Acy. The other two laughed in a goonish way.

“Leave me alone DeMarcus, I already gave you all my lunch money.”

“Then how did you get this stuff?” DeMarcus gestured at the arrayed food items in front of Jimmer. “You gonna have to donate some of this to a good cause.” Suddenly he swooped down, snatched a fry from the pile, shoved it in the paper condiment cup, and snarfed it down greedily.

His victorious smile soon turned into a grimace of disgust as he spat out the newly conquered food onto the floor.

“What the hell is that, that ain’t ketchup! Tastes like donkey jizz!” His goonies laughed dumbly.

“It’s fry sauce, DeMarcus. A special recipe from my Utah homeland. Ketchup and mayonnaise mixed together. I find it quite delightful.”

“Ketchup and mayo combined, huh? Only in Utah would people think that an obvious combination of two condiments is not only delicious, but a unique cultural artifact to be praised. Don’t kid me. A toddler could come up with that combination. It’s not special. It’s not unique. All it is is disgusting.”

“DeMarcus, let’s not be…”

“Typical of a Utahan to have misplaced pride in a horrible aspect of his moronic culture. I don’t combine Mountain Dew and Coke and say I created a whole new delicious soda, much less give it its own name and parade around like I painted a frickin’ masterpiece. You make me sick.”

Quincy and Derrick looked stunned at this sudden treatise on Utah culture. Then, realizing DeMarcus was done pontificating, they laughed. Quincy spoke up.

“He’s right you know, huh huh huh. Fry sauce, are you serious? Huh huh huh.”

DeMarcus looked annoyed. “Shut up Assy, I didn’t say you could talk. Let’s go.” They stalked off, leaving Jimmer alone again. He looked sadly after them.

“Didn’t they want some of my jello?”

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