May 2013 – DownToBuck

Udonis Haslem 16 Points Full Highlights (5/30/2013)

The Heat are screwed. Yeah, they beat the Pacers by 11 points. Pretty good, right? It is, until you realize that Udonis Haslem scored 16 points, which is more than the margin of victory. If Haslem scores his usual 2 points, the Heat lose again, and suddenly their glowing championship dreams start turning into nightmares…

Quincy Pondexter Career High 22 Points Full Highlights (5/27/2013)

“Hey Quincy!” The large forward turned around to see a group of fans waving at him. One of them, a pudgy, smartly-dressed man, seemed to be the one who had addressed him. “Sucks that you guys lost, but you wanna come grab some barbecue with us?” Quincy was not one to turn down a fan….

Matt Bonner 12 Points/0 Dunks Full Highlights (5/19/2013)

One of my loser coworkers just bet me that I couldn’t name five things whiter than Matt Bonner. Loser has to buy the whole department Guiness-dipped quesadillas at Bojiminy’s Irish-Mexican Grille and Cantina. Here we go: 1. Matt Carroll (this is easy!) 2. Freshly-fallen snow 3. Copier paper 4. … 5. Screw you Steve! You…

Quincy Pondexter 17 Points Full Highlights (5/19/2013)

I bet David Stern is so pissed right now. The Grizzlies and Spurs are the two teams in the West that are the least exciting to casual fans, and not only that, but the leading scorer for the Grizzlies in game 1 was some unknown scrub named Quincy Pondexter. How is the NBA supposed to…

Lance Stephenson Career High 25 Points Full Highlights (5/18/2013)

“Lance…Laaance…” Lance Stephenson awoke with a start. Had somebody been calling his name, or had that been part of his dream? He was just about to fall back asleep when he heard it again. “Lance…I’m down here, Lance.” Lance felt his heart rate jump. Unless he was losing his marbles, there was a voice emanating…

Tiago Splitter 14 Points Full Highlights (5/17/2013)

“Hello, welcome to Tiago’s Banana Splitters, what can I get for you today?” “I’d like one standard splitter please, with double banana.” “Coming right up.” A tall, stubbled figure shambled through the door of the small, shoddily decorated restaurant. “I’ll have 50 of those famous Tiago’s banana splitters, and hurry up I’m in a rush!”…

Chris Copeland 13 Points Full Highlights (5/16/2013)

Reggie Miller asks at the end of this video “Where has he been all series?”, “he” being Chris Copeland. The answer: buried on the bench because Woodson is a moron who doesn’t want to play offensively gifted players while the team is struggling to score. Is it a coincidence that the Knicks won once Copeland…

Rip Hamilton 15 Points Full Highlights (5/16/2013)

Rip “Van Winkle” Hamilton is getting kind of old. I’m pretty sure he’s played his last game as a Bull. But is this the last game of a great career? I wouldn’t be surprised. But it’s hard to tell if he’s really and truly washed up or if it’s just injuries and Thibodeau’s lunacy. He…

Jarrett Jack 20 Points Full Highlights (5/14/2013)

Jarrett Jack should punch his parents in the face for naming him such a stupid name. “Jarrett Jack”. It sounds like the cross between a B-list country singer’s stage name and the name of a cowboy-themed professional wrestler, with a dash of social-security-dependent hick living in a trailer park whose wardrobe consists of nothing but…

Manu Ginobili 21 Points Full Highlights (5/12/2013)

Longtime readers of my descriptions may notice that I am preoccupied with the concept of race. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Race doesn’t exist. It is simply the nature of our feeble primate brains to compartmentalize other humans based on criteria such as their skin tone and facial proportions. We must transcend the…