Well, that sucked. Spurs beat the Warriors 76-74 in what might be the lowest-scoring game of the year. And the game’s leading scorer was none other than Toney “Baloney” Douglas! The Warriors commentators were so distraught over Stephen Curry’s injury that all they could do was project his attributes onto other players, and that included Baloney himself.
I put together a little comparison chart to help those guys out.
Scoring: Both Curry and Baloney are a little over-reliant on their jumpers, but Curry is a god in human form, whereas Baloney is a disc of meat product.
Shooting: Baloney can get hot sometimes, but Curry is hot all the time.
Defense: Baloney has a reputation as a defender. Curry doesn’t need to defend since he scores so much on the other side of the ball. Baloney wins!
Playmaking: Curry has improved this facet of his game, and could now be considered a true PG. He is turnover-prone but that’s because he wants to get his teammates involved. Baloney has no instincts when it comes to running plays, and is probably more of a shooting guard.
Ankles: I still shudder when I think of that time Curry tried to get out of his wheelchair and walk around the nursing home. There was so much blood. Those screams, those horrid screams, will make repeated appearances in my worst nightmares until the day I am blessedly removed from the life on this earth. As far as I know, Baloney can walk more than a few steps without his ankle exploding in a shower of gore, so he takes this category.
Pedophilia: Curry was macking on thirteen-year-old girls at the skills challenge a few years ago. Baloney prefers adult women, and if he has pedophiliac tendencies, he keeps them well-hidden.
Records: The three-pointers-in-a-season record is held by Curry. Baloney shot 23% on three-pointers (on 117 attempts) in 2011-2012, which must be some kind of record, and not the good kind of record either.
All this list proves is that Curry and Douglas are two very different players, and that any commentator who dares to compare them, even in a joking manner, should be fired and replaced by me.