There are some rumors swirling around that Dion Waiters fought Kyrie Irving during a players’ only meeting. As in, punches were thrown. Nobody knows exactly what happened…nobody except DownToBuck. I had three people planted in the locker room at the time of the meeting (one in a trash can, one in an air duct, and one was none other than Matthew Dellavedova) and I know exactly how it went down. Here is the unedited sequence of events:
“So, you probably all know why I called this meeting. Some people on this team need to step up their games,” Kyrie said to his team. Dion Waiters immediately took offense to Kyrie’s words and picked up the chair he was sitting on.
“I’m tired of you getting preferential treatment, man! Any time one of us screws up, we get benched, but coach plays you no matter how much you stink it up!” After this outburst, Dion swung the chair at Kyrie’s head, knocking him out.
Everybody was too scared of being next in line for a chair-to-head meeting to say anything. Finally, Tristan Thompson spoke up. “Yo, I think we should get Kyrie to the doctor or something, he’s bleeding a lot and I think he stopped breathing.”
Dion turned his hateful gaze towards Tristan. “Oh, I get it. You’re siding with Kyrie. That’s cool,” Dion said calmly. With the sudden force of a cobra strike, he launched the folding chair at Tristan’s head, connecting cleanly with his skull. Tristan fell to the floor and began convulsing.
Without warning, Dion began punching everybody within arms’ reach. Andrew Bynum only received a glancing blow, and was able to connect his giant fist with Dion’s face, momentarily stunning the deranged shooting guard. Picking up Dion’s limp, dazed body in his arms, he carried it out of the locker room and into the main arena.
(At this point two of my sources can no longer give me any relevant information. I have to rely on the inconsistent reportage of Matthew Dellavedova, who is Australian and sees everything upside-down)
Andrew took the stairs to the upper bowl while his teammates, minus Kyrie and Tristan, trailed behind. Standing at the railing, it was obvious what he was going to do next. And nobody attempted to stop it.
Raising Dion’s body above his head, Andrew threw it over the rail, down to the lower bowl. It hit the seats with a morbid crunching noise. Looking down to inspect the damage, many of Dion’s bones were visibly broken, and he was screaming. But even over the agonized screams, Austin Carr’s voice could be heard coming over the PA system:
“GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! THEY’VE KILLED HIM! AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, HE IS BROKEN IN HALF!”
So now you know the story. If you’re a journalist and you want to use this account in your newspaper/blog post/tweet, please send a check for $2,500 addressed to “Down T. Buck”.