I had this matchup circled on my calendar because of the dynamic center battle it contained: Jarrett Allen versus Nikola Jokic. Two polar opposites, clashing on the hardwood for ultimate ball supremacy. Who would prevail? The afroed skinny black pogo stick or the tubby transparent landbound savant? Let’s take a look at the facts.AF
POINTS:
Allen had 18 points, while Jokic had 37. I guess it’s pretty clear who came out ahead in that stat. Advantage: Allen
DUNKS:
Jokic did manage to dunk it, which is one more dunk than he’s ever had before in his life. Allen’s been dunking since he was 5 years old, so it’s kinda boring to see him still doing it. Advantage: Jokic
UNIFORM QUALITY:
It looked like Jokic was wearing a dishrag trimmed with pipe-cleaners he found in the dumpster of a crafts store. I don’t doubt that he designed that monstrosity himself in MSPaint, sent it to Nike, and they felt bad for him because of his lacking mental capacity so they made a real jersey out of it. Allen was wearing the normal Nets jersey, which I think is pretty swag so that’s cool. Advantage: Allen
AFRO QUALITY:
I don’t even know what Jokic would look like with hair, much less an afro. I tried imagining it and as soon as I did I puked all over my keyboard. Meanwhile, Allen’s afro is a perfect sphere, and I bet it has a pencil stuck in there somewhere for easy note-taking when the need arises. Advantage: Allen
EQUALITY QUALITY:
This one’s a tie. Advantage: Equality
WIN STATUS:
Allen’s team won this game because of how good he is at playing basketball. Jokic’s team lost, not only because of how not good he is at playing basketball, but because of crippling Coca-Cola addiction. When the camera cut to Jokic doublefisting two two-liters of the stuff right before the final play, I knew this one was over.
Those are the facts. Their truthfulness is indisputable, my methods validated by the scientific method. There is no doubt, Jarrett Allen came out on top tonight.