“Daddy, how come we don’t have running water?” “I’ve told you a million times, Mario, the Alaskan government doesn’t have the resources to adequately provide for the people who reside in its frozen wastelands. You want a hot shower, you take the 10 day sled ride into town like everybody else.” “But dad, there’s…” “Enough….
Read MoreAuthor: downtobuck
Ray Allen 21 Points Full Highlights (6/16/2013)
Official Basketball Films Power Rankings: 1. Space Jam – This is an obvious one. EVERYBODY GET UP ITS TIME TO SLAM NOW WE GOT A REAL JAM GOING DOWN WELCOME TO THE SPACE JAM. 2. Semi-pro – Surprisingly good considering it had Will Farrell in it. 3. White Men Can’t Jump – That chick was…
Read MoreDanny Green 24 Points/3 Blocks Full Highlights (6/16/2013)
(If this description makes no sense to you, read the description on this video as an introduction: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAvQnU…) Danny, flush with success after pummeling Ray Allen’s Finals-three-point record, approached his beloved coach. “Coach, I’ve been thinking ’bout that ritual that you performed when I was signed.” “Danny, I told you then and I tell you…
Read MoreMike Miller 15 Points/5 Threes Full Highlights (6/11/2013)
You want to hear something crazy? Mike Miller was once Rookie of the Year. Averaging 11 points and 4 rebounds. He was a product of the notorious 2000 draft, where every player was a bust. Kenyon Martin at #1 turned out okay, but he was still sort of a bust. The next players were Stromile…
Read MoreDanny Green 17 Points/5 Threes Full Highlights (6/9/2013)
The voice of Gregg Popovich emanated from beneath a druid cloak. “Let the ceremony commence.” Danny Green, strapped to the center of a rough-hewn wooden platform, wasn’t exactly sure what was going on. Was this what they always did to their newly signed players? Was the pentagram really necessary? Why was a sick purple light…
Read MoreUdonis Haslem 16 Points Full Highlights (5/30/2013)
The Heat are screwed. Yeah, they beat the Pacers by 11 points. Pretty good, right? It is, until you realize that Udonis Haslem scored 16 points, which is more than the margin of victory. If Haslem scores his usual 2 points, the Heat lose again, and suddenly their glowing championship dreams start turning into nightmares…
Read MoreQuincy Pondexter Career High 22 Points Full Highlights (5/27/2013)
“Hey Quincy!” The large forward turned around to see a group of fans waving at him. One of them, a pudgy, smartly-dressed man, seemed to be the one who had addressed him. “Sucks that you guys lost, but you wanna come grab some barbecue with us?” Quincy was not one to turn down a fan….
Read MoreMatt Bonner 12 Points/0 Dunks Full Highlights (5/19/2013)
One of my loser coworkers just bet me that I couldn’t name five things whiter than Matt Bonner. Loser has to buy the whole department Guiness-dipped quesadillas at Bojiminy’s Irish-Mexican Grille and Cantina. Here we go: 1. Matt Carroll (this is easy!) 2. Freshly-fallen snow 3. Copier paper 4. … 5. Screw you Steve! You…
Read MoreQuincy Pondexter 17 Points Full Highlights (5/19/2013)
I bet David Stern is so pissed right now. The Grizzlies and Spurs are the two teams in the West that are the least exciting to casual fans, and not only that, but the leading scorer for the Grizzlies in game 1 was some unknown scrub named Quincy Pondexter. How is the NBA supposed to…
Read MoreLance Stephenson Career High 25 Points Full Highlights (5/18/2013)
“Lance…Laaance…” Lance Stephenson awoke with a start. Had somebody been calling his name, or had that been part of his dream? He was just about to fall back asleep when he heard it again. “Lance…I’m down here, Lance.” Lance felt his heart rate jump. Unless he was losing his marbles, there was a voice emanating…
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