Tony “Snells Like Teen Spirit” Snell: should he have stuck with the braids yeah or nah? He’s already distinctive in appearance, but those things just put him over the top. He had the killer trifecta of: 1. Being blacker than an oil spill at midnight during an eclipse 2. Having a face that looks like…
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Doug McDermott 16 Points Full Highlights (3/6/2015)
You might be familiar with the term “hate-watching”. For those not on the cutting-edge of the English language, It’s when you watch a TV show that sucks really big dong so you can get mad at it. It’s cathartic, supposedly. It’s kind of like that with Doug McDermott. Not watching his highlights, though. That’s all…
Read MoreE’Twaun Moore Career High 19 Points/1 Game-Winner Full Highlights (3/5/2015)
When E’Tawun Moore was picked up by the Bulls in the offseason, I rested easy knowing that he would never get any minutes with the crowded Chicago backcourt. With the knowledge that Thibodeau will play his starters 40 minutes per game, I figured that Moore would only ever see extending playing time if Derrick Rose…
Read MoreNikola Mirotic 23 Points Full Highlights (3/3/2015)
It’s weird that Nikola Mirotic hasn’t been getting a ton of minutes, considering his coach is Tom Thibodeau, he who runs his players into the ground. What’s the deal here? Usually when Thibs finds a player that he likes, he gives said player 40 minutes a game until they get injured. We could be talking…
Read MoreMike Dunleavy 21 Points/5 Threes Full Highlights (2/27/2015)
Mike Dunleavy is allegedly a dirty player who everybody in the league absolutely despises. There are also rumors that he is a grade A douchebag off the court as well. But can you blame a guy? He’s a millionaire. Millionaires, by rule, get to do whatever they want. For 48 minutes he has to put…
Read MoreTony Snell Career High 24 Points Full Highlights (2/10/2015)
I’ve noticed this for a while now, but this seems like a good time to mention it, now that he is finally playing up to his potential. Tony Snell is BLACK. Really black. He makes Derrick Rose look straight up white, and Klay Thompson like a KKK loyalist dipped in a bathtub of bleach. I…
Read MoreJoakim Noah 18 Points Full Highlights (2/8/2015)
Showering after the win, Joakim Noah enjoyed the feeling of the hot water on his sore body. His uncontrollably curly hair, weighed down by the water, clung to his shoulders. Having such a large volume of hair was a nuisance sometimes, like when it was time to wash it, but other times, it was no…
Read MoreTony Snell 19 Points/5 Threes Full Highlights (2/7/2015)
Tony Snell was a beast in Summer-League. A near-unstoppable three-point machine, a machine lacking his signature hair but maintaining his incredible blackness. The promise shown over the summer has not carried over to the regular season, where teams play defense and games sometimes mean something. I know it’s become cliche to do this, but I…
Read MoreAaron Brooks 21 Points Full Highlights (1/30/2015)
OFFICIAL NBA PLAYERS WHO LOOK LIKE ALIENS POWER RANKINGS 1. Aaron Brooks 2. Rudy Gobert 3. Tony Snell 4. Charlie Villanueva 5. Tayshaun Prince 6. Dante Exum 517. Chandler Parsons 518. There is secretly an alien inside all of us right now sucking our life force to weaken us in preparation for the impending invasion…
Read MoreMike Dunleavy 23 Points Full Highlights (12/30/2014)
If Mike Dunleavy were a kind of hot sauce, what kind would he be? Think carefully before answering. While it may not seem that hot sauces would be analogous to basketball players, there are lots of comparable attributes. For example, Mike Dunleavy likes to shoot three-point field goals. What kinds of hot sauce have a…
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