Attention Sacramento Kings commentators: you cannot call Derrick Williams “D-Will”. That nickname is already taken by Deron Williams. I don’t know if you’re trying to be funny or what. But you have to stop. Never mind the fact that “nicknames” that contain any part of a player’s name or initials are stupid. New nickname idea…
Read MoreTag: Sacramento Kings
Jimmer Fredette 13 Points Full Highlights (1/12/2014)
I read something a while a go that said something to the effect of “The Kings are willing to trade anybody but Cousins. And Jimmer, because they know they can’t get anything at all for him.” I have to wonder if maybe this recent string of half-decent play hasn’t upped his trade value to at…
Read MoreDerrick Williams 14 Points/4 Dunks Full Highlights (1/10/2014)
“Hey, somebody should go find Derrick,” DeMarcus Cousins announced. “He’s not responding my texts, but he’s always down for some clubbing, and we shouldn’t go without him.” Rudy Gay stood up. “I can look around for him. This arena’s not that big, there’s not many places where he could reasonably be.” ———————————– “Derrick! Derrick!” Rudy…
Read MoreJimmer Fredette 15 Points Full Highlights (1/2/2014)
Jimmer Fredette sat alone in the Kings cafeteria, enjoying a burger and some fries. “Hey look, it’s loser Jimmer, sitting by his loser self!” DeMarcus Cousins had swaggered over with his posse of Derrick Williams and Quincy Acy. The other two laughed in a goonish way. “Leave me alone DeMarcus, I already gave you all…
Read MoreJimmer Fredette 10 Points Full Highlights (12/31/2013)
I remember back when Jimmer was drafted there were angry comments from Bucks fans that went something like this: “We drafted Jimmer but traded him to Sucktown? SMH this is Dirk all over again.” You really can’t expect much from the average casual sports fan, can you? Of course, the Bucks technically drafted Jimmer, and…
Read MoreBen McLemore Career High 20 Points Full Highlights (12/20/2013)
R.I.P. Ben McLemore You will be missed.
Read MoreJimmer Fredette 13 Points Full Highlights (12/11/2013)
“Jimmer, listen up. This is God speaking.” Jimmer, in the middle of untying his shoes, looked up at the ceiling of the locker room. “This isn’t funny guys. Stop making fun of my religion.” A light fixture above him suddenly burnt out in a cascade of sparks. “Do not doubt me, Jimmer.” Dropping to his…
Read MoreIsaiah Thomas 24 Points Full Highlights (12/3/2013)
Isaiah Thomas looked up to the giants towering over him in fear. They were talking about him. “I wonder where Isaiah got off to?” asked giant-DeMarcus to his giant teammates. “He’ll probably want to join us for our night on the town.” Giant-Greivis laughed derisively. “That little midget? Who would want to be seen with…
Read MorePatrick Patterson 18 Points/3 Assists Full Highlights (12/1/2013)
“I’m going to need to take a little break here, Patrick. Nature calls,” said Kings GM Pete D’Alessandro, interrupting the meeting with his player. As D’Alessandro left the room to make a visit to his personal toilet, Patrick Patterson twiddled his thumbs idly. The phone on the desk rang. Patrick stared at it for a…
Read MoreDeMarcus Cousins 24 Points Full Highlights (12/1/2013)
At the end of last season, I detailed a visit to DeMarcus by none other than the Basketball Fairy, who granted him three wishes. DeMarcus used his wishes on a nacho cheese-dispensing shower, cupboards containing infinite tortilla chips, and a change to his personality so that he was no longer a team cancer. How are…
Read More