Jared Sullinger 27 Points Full Highlights (1/12/2015)

“Now, Jared, I’m sure you know why I called you in for this one-on-one meeting,” said Celtics coach Brad Stevens.

Jared sat, confused, across the desk from his coach. “Is it because I’m not getting enough rebounds? I’ll try harder, I promise.”

Brad squeezed the bridge of his nose between his fingertips as if attempting to stave off a headache. “No, Jared. We need to talk about your conditioning.”

Jared fished in his pockets for something. Finally, he found it. Taking out a handful of gooey, still-warm jalapeno cheese poppers, he popped them one by one into his eager mouth. “Mmh conishinun?” he mumbled through a mouthful of the microwaved foodstuff.

“Yes, your conditioning. You would be more effective on the court if you could shed a few pounds,” Brad said patiently, wincing at the amount of crumbs which had ended up on his desk.

“You know, coach, I just realized something,” Jared said after finishing his bite.

“What’s that, Jared?”

“What would really put these jalapeno poppers over the top is…” he started, before reaching down to rummage in this duffel bag. “Cinnamon roll icing!”

“Where did you get that?” asked Brad, looking at the large screw-top jar of off-white gunk.

“Costco,” answered Jared simply. “It really goes well on everything, I’ve found.” He retrieved more of his snack from his pockets, dipped it in the improvised condiment, and munched contentedly, waiting for his coach to continue the conversation.

“We’re going to put you on a new diet and exercise plan,” Brad said. “It’s part of your duty as an NBA player to be in shape at all times.”

In a sudden bout of anger, Jared threw the jar of icing at the wall, where it smashed. “This is fat-shaming! You’re fat-shaming me, aren’t you?”

“No, Jared, I-”

“Just wait until Tumblr hears about this! They’ll start a Twitter campaign!” Jared yelled, standing up from his chair. “You can’t treat me like this!”

“Jared, please calm down and-”

“FAT-SHAMING! FAT-SHAMING! YOU’RE A FAT-SHAMER! I’M BEAUTIFUL NO MATTER WHAT! Did you know that the American medical establishment has been lying to you about the health effects of obesity for decades? I’m perfectly healthy no matter what you or anybody else says. You’re oppressing me.”

“I think this meeting is over,” Brad sighed. “I’ll get the paperwork in for a suspension.”

“NOW YOU’RE DISCRIMINATING too!” Jared shouted. “Tumblr’s not going to like this!” With that final parting threat, Jared grabbed his stuff and waddled out of the office.

Looking at the icing dripping down his wall, Brad shook his head and then, slowly, laid it down on his desk.

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