It’s blowing my mind that the Pelicans are as bad as they are. I feel really dumb right now for pegging them as a dark horse candidate for the WCF or maybe even the Finals themselves. Since somebody must apportion the blame for their suckitude, I have appointed myself official blame apportioner. I unsheathe my scepter of apportionment and swing it towards those who will receive their deserved blame:
-Alvin Gentry, for instituting an offensive system too complicated for his players to execute
-Tyreke Evans, for winning Rookie of the Year on the back of his paint-attacking skills and now doing nothing but shooting stepback jumpers from nineteen feet
-Jrue Holiday, for being fragile
-Anthony Davis, for being fragile and for regressing
-Eric Gordon, for never returning to his Clippers-era form
-Jimmer Fredette, for not being good when he was supposed to
-Counter girl at McDonald’s, for getting my order wrong and ruining my whole morning
-Ryan Anderson, for not playing defense
-The entire Pelicans fanbase, for failing to supply adequate amounts of cheering at an adequate volume
-Hurricane Katrina, for not doing a better job of wiping New Orleans off the map
The blame-apportioning having completed, I replace the scepter in its ceremonial covering and set it in the gilded tabernacle where it will wait until its use is required again.