Thanks to basketball-reference, a website without which I would probably die, I just found out that today is De’Aaron Fox turned 21 years old today. In America, a person’s 21st birthday means a lot because it’s the age when you can legally drink alcoholic beverages. So, when the clock struck midnight, Fox magically transformed from a child who can’t be trusted to make good decisions about alcohol into a full-fledged adult who can drink as much as he wants whenever he wants.
It would be a good time for some kind of story where the Kings all take De’Aaron to a bar somewhere and get him real loaded and then they go on some kind of adventure that is beset by hilarious mishaps, but I used up all my energy retelling the true tale of how me and my Buddy Hield statue escaped from the zoo after Buddy killed a bunch of people. There’s just no more desire to write a complicated narrative sprinkled with funny dialogue. So I’ll give you a quick rundown of what would have happened had I written that story:
The whole Kings squad goes out to celebrate De’Aaron’s birthday even though they lost. But he’s such a fierce competitor that his spirits are dampened even though it’s his birthday so he should be happy. Iman Shumpert comes up with the idea that they should do a beer bong, so they find a funnel and some tubing in a dumpster and make De’Aaron chug a bunch of beer through the beer bong. Everybody else is drunk too.
De’Aaron has never gotten drunk before and he doesn’t know how to handle it, so he starts picking fights with the other dudes at the bar and they get kicked out. While everybody argues about what bar they should go to next for more drinks, De’Aaron orders an Uber for himself so he can go home because he feels horrible. He wanders away from the group and gets into a car that he thinks is his Uber, but it’s actually Russell Westbrook trying to kidnap him because Russell is mad that he was shown up so hard by De’Aaron.
So Russell takes De’Aaron to some undisclosed location that’s not his house with the intention of beating him up or something. But De’Aaron is Snapchatting the whole thing because it’s his birthday, so his teammates (who have realized that De’Aaron is gone and they’re really worried) log on to his Snapchat to see where he is. They organize a rescue mission and go to the abandoned warehouse where Russell and De’Aaron are and a huge brawl ensues between Kings players and Thunder players. Willie Cauley-Stein accidentally causes an explosion when his discarded marijuana cigarette ignites some old industrial chemicals that were lying around and in the chaos, they all escape. Cue meaningful ending that illustrates the true friendship that the Kings players share, punctuated by a funny one-liner from De’Aaron to end the description.
That’s how it would have gone down, but it was hard enough just writing the outline. I don’t want to write that whole damn thing.