We interrupt your regularly scheduled description to bring you this very important update: Jabari Parker needs more touches in the second half of games. Every game it’s the same story: he starts off well, scoring a couple buckets early. Then his touches start dwindling, he gets benched for a while, and he never regains his…
Read MoreDay: December 9, 2014
Gerald Green 19 Points/5 Threes Full Highlights (12/9/2014)
Walking up to the arena, Gerald Green happened to glance at the large, lit-up letters above the main entrance. Since when had this place been called the “Fulton Homes Center”? Shrugging, he continued his way inside the building. Walking to the locker room, Gerald couldn’t help but notice the amount of promotional material for Fulton…
Read MoreGreg Monroe 22 Points Full Highlights (12/9/2014)
In the interest of journalistic ethics, I must disclose something at the forefront of this description. Moose needed 22 shot attempts to score 22 points: the dreaded “Jordan Crawford” effect. A player who scores as many or fewer points than the amount of field goals they attempt rarely is having a positive effect on the…
Read MoreJ.J. Barea 17 Points Full Highlights (12/9/2014)
This is a first, since I started having custom thumbnails. No closeup of the player in question! Sometimes I forgo the closeup, but this time I didn’t even have the option. Come on Grizzlies camera people! At least show one while JJ is busy taking a dump on your pathetic team during the fourth quarter….
Read MoreAmar’e Stoudemire 26 Points/5 Blocks Full Highlights (12/9/2014)
Amar’e Stoudemire leaned back and relaxed. There was nothing better than a warm, soothing soak in the comfort of his home, away from prying eyes and hangers-on. To an outsider, the appearance of the bathwater would be extremely alarming; it looked as if Stoudemire was cleansing himself in a tub of blood. But this was…
Read MoreMarcus Morris 25 Points/5 Threes Full Highlights (12/9/2014)
There is a stat floating around (that’s what stats do, don’t you know, they just zip around peoples heads like mosquitos) that shows how poor Markieff and Marcus Morris when their other half isn’t on the court. This effect is more pronounced on Marcus, because he’s just not as good as his brother; I blame…
Read MoreRonnie Price 14 Points/4 Threes Full Highlights (12/19/2014)
Nothing in my life has prepared me for this moment. Now the moment is upon us, and I am, for the first time, at a loss for words. What do you even say about Ronnie Price? This guy has been the embodiment of scrubbitude since he’s been in the league. Ten years of NBA basketball…
Read MoreShabazz Muhammad 26 Points Full Highlights (12/19/2014)
Shabazz Muhammad heard his phone ring. He knew who it probably was, but, looking out his window at the interminable snow falling from the sky, he decided that he could use a little bit of companionship, no matter how annoying. “Hey, this is Bazz.” “Hello friend Shabazz. This Alexey calling.” Shabazz remembered how he had…
Read MoreChase Budinger 19 Points Full Highlights (12/19/2014)
Usually my made-up nicknames for players are stated in jest. However, Chase Budinger’s nickname “Chasetity Belt” is proclaimed straight-faced and without humorous intent. This is because Chase Budinger’s play with the Timberwolves is much like wearing a chastity belt against one’s will. Chase is not aggressive at all, in much the same way that a…
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