“Dear Father,
It has been too long since I last wrote to you. The distance between us is great, but I should not have also let our closeness grow further apart. Enclosed is a check for you and mama. You can use it to buy presents for my brothers and sisters. They are a little too old now to experience the childlike wonder of a true Christmas, but they will understand.
I write you, papa, asking for advice. The last picture you sent showed you with a head covered in thick, virile hair. However, if you have seen me on the TV, you will see that my own hair has begun to fall out of my head. It will not do to have a son go bald before his father. Please tell me what concoction you use to negate your hair loss.
I know the Croatian people have a tradition of folk remedies that stretches back centuries, but I may not have the ingredients necessary here in New York, nor the expertise necessary to make a homemade paste or cream. The check I sent should cover any shipping expenses that you will incur while sending me a batch from Croatia. Then you will no longer have to smile in sympathy when my head appears on the television.
With love,
Bojan
P.S. Tell my lovely Lucija that I will come visit her soon and that in the meantime she should suffer no man to gaze upon her with lust.”