Jae Crowder’s dreads just look more pillowy by the day. In real life they’re probably all prickly and stiff, but on my computer monitor they look like thick ropes made out of pure bunny fur. I want to touch them. I want to fondle them. Is there somebody I can contact to make this happen? Should I pretend to have leukemia or something? I should start a crowdfunding campaign where I have leukemia and my dying wish is to see Jae Crowder and then when he shows up at my fake hospital bed I tackle him and rub my face in his dreads.
Crowder would no doubt be humbled and honored to learn that my collection of high-resolution pics and videos of his hair has now surpassed the 100 gigabyte mark. What private pleasures I indulge in while viewing my collection, however, are none of his business.