JaMychal Green hit three three-pointers in this one, while the opposing power forward, Nikola Mirotic, failed to hit even one three-pointer despite his reputation as the superior shooter. Basically, the evidence here points to a conclusion so obvious that you can’t even call it conjecture or speculation. You can only call it truth. And the truth is that JaMychal Green conducted an occult Satanic ritual before the game in order to steal Mirotic’s powers.
Think about it. Green is not a great three-point shooter. He’s serviceable, but will rarely make more than one or two in a game. Meanwhile, Mirotic is known and feared league-wide for his ability to heat up from deep. Green knew that, in order to give his team the best chance to win, he would have to invoke the unholy power of Satan himself and his legions of demons. By carving a pentagram into the floor of the locker room, lighting the scene with five wax candles, painting his face with a salve made from the seven sacred herbs, and chanting the forbidden incantation, JaMychal took Mirotic’s powers for his own. And guess what? It worked. In Satan’s name, the Grizzlies got the win.
Now I just need to figure out how to modify this ritual so that I can use it to get Satan to make highlight videos for me. It’s almost noon here in Wisconsin and I’ve still got, like, three or videos in the queue. Will it work if I only have two candles and a broken cigarette lighter?