Dwyane Wade 25 Points/5 Threes Full Highlights (12/8/2018)

Since the last time I gave my subscribers an update, I’ve made some upgrades to my home steroids lab in my bathroom that have resulted in a better product. The first thing I did was move the operation to my kitchen, since I didn’t have room in the bathroom for all the equipment. I originally was cooking roids in my bathroom because I didn’t want my operation to be seen by chance visitors, but I’ve come to the realization that I never EVER have visitors, chance or otherwise, so there’s no reason to be so secretive.

The second thing I did was buy a commercial kitchen-sized microwave. Now I can put my original microwave, which has been overclocked to insane levels due to direct circuitry manipulation, inside the larger microwave and multiply the power of the microwaves. It’s a good thing I don’t have any kind of equipment that measures nuclear radiation levels, because I’m sure the radiation levels in my apartment are above safe levels. But that doesn’t really matter when I’m concocting the most powerful, fast-acting steroids the world has ever seen.

Through the power of nuclear fission, amplified by the addition of additional microwaves, I can turn dumpster roids I bought off the street into an extremely potent body-building tool. I’m honestly too afraid of these roids to test them on myself, but Japurri caught a mouse earlier today so I injected some into the mouse. Twenty seconds later and the mouse was seriously jacked. Like, totally yoked. It was about a foot tall and pulsating. After that, Japurri was too scared to go near it (he hid under the bed as soon as the mouse’s muscles started expanding), so I let it out the back door. Now there’s a nuclearly-mutated mouse running around out there and I’m regretting not taking pictures of it because I feel like I could sell these boutique steroids to bodybuilders the world round.

I’m telling you all of this because I think Dwyane Wade, who has stated that he intends to retire after this season, could easily play another ten years if he just got his hands on some of my homemade nuclear steroids. If he wants some, it’s $100,000 per treatment. Hit me up Dwyane. You’ll never get injured again.

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