“Dear Santa,
Your friend DTB doesn’t ask for much. You will notice that I have not even sent a wish list to you this year. That is how minimal my material wants are. So, while you and your elves get together the large piles of presents for the more consumeristically-minded little boys and girls out there, please take into account my single meager request.
I wish for the ability to grow facial hair like Spencer Dinwiddie does.
You will know from your yearlong observations of me and my grooming habits that, while I do have to shave on a daily basis due to the hair growth on my chin and neck, the hair on my cheeks and upper lip is comparatively sparse. You will have seen me standing in front of the mirror investigating my cheeks closely for signs of increased hair growth there, and you will have seen me step away from the mirror disappointed each time.
I have tried to pray to Jesus about this, but he hasn’t, as of yet, answered my prayers. Maybe that is because facial hair growth stimulation is the purview of Santa and not Jesus. Maybe it counts as a “gift” and that’s why Jesus is ignoring me. That’s why I’m writing this letter to you.
If the power resides with you to increase the rate and coverage of hair growth on my face, so that I may finally grow a goatee as perfect as Dinwiddie’s, please go ahead and do it. This is the only thing I want. And, if the power does not reside with you, please send a return letter letting me know with whom that power resides, so that I can plead my case to them next.
And, if you ignore this letter wholly like you have been known to do in the past, I will direct President Trump to fire the entirety of the United States nuclear arsenal at the north pole. Christmas will be destroyed forever. Only smoldering wrapping paper and mangled elf bodies will remain. Don’t worry, though, I’ll rescue Mrs. Claus beforehand and take her back to my place where she will taste my special-recipe Christmas frosting. I’ve heard that she has a fondness for younger men like myself.
Sincerely yours,
-DownToBuck
P.S. I also want an RGB mechanical keyboard with backlighting for each individual key, a 25-point or more breakout performance for Larry Nance Jr., and a Snuggie to keep me warm on these cold Wisconsin nights.”