DAMN IT. We could be looking at a 40-burger for Gordon Hayward, RIGHT NOW, if he didn’t choke at the line and hit only 4 of his 10 attempts. 40 points for the G-Spot, you know how sweet that would be? It would be really sweet, I shouldn’t even have to tell you how sweet…
Read MoreTag: Utah Jazz
Tibor Pleiss 8 Points Full Highlights (1/6/2016)
Just a few hours ago, I wrote these regretful words: “I’m officially HYPED for Tibor Pleiss. Not hyped enough to do highlights of the 8 points he scored (I have standards, god damn it), but still pretty hyped.” Those words have officially been retracted. I continue to be hyped for Tibor Pleiss, but my hype…
Read MoreTrey Lyles 13 Points Full HIghlights (1/4/2016)
Hey! Wow! It’s Trey Lyles! I was wondering what he’d been up to. Well, I wasn’t wondering too much, because I knew: this Jared Dudley lookin’ dude had been off in the woods sucking everything he could find. And now he’s back, ready to… Score 13 points? We’ll take it, I guess. I’m sure Jazz…
Read MoreJeff Withey 12 Points/4 Blocks Full Highlights (1/2/2016)
Is Gordon Hayward even the most attractive player on his own team anymore? He might not be, because newcomer Jeff Withey is in the house and boy are his eyes blue. But Withey is not going to just dance unimpeded to the title of “most attractive Jazzman.” There are a lot obstacles in his way:…
Read MoreRodney Hood Career High 32 Points Full Highlights (1/2/2016)
Right now the Jazz are near the bottom of my “teams I actually want to watch sometimes” rankings. Gobert was their most compelling feature; he is dead now, dead and never coming back just like Dante Exum. Gordon Hayward is “eh”, and if he is your teams best player, you need to find a different…
Read MoreJeff Withey 13 Points Full Highlights (12/30/2015)
Jeff Withey strolled through the misty graveyard. The sky above was a dim black, almost purple, lit only by a half-waxing moon. He was all alone, save for the bodies interred in the dirt that his feet now walked upon. It was a familiar place to him. This graveyard was where he had gone when…
Read MoreTrey Burke 23 Points Full Highlights (12/30/2015)
I was perhaps a little too quick to dismiss Trey Burke after his dismal sophomore season in the league, where he shot 37% from the field (shades of Brandon Jennings) and dimed the ball four times a game in thirty minutes per contest. In fairness, though, those numbers suck. Bad. Combine that with my tendency…
Read MoreJoe Ingles 14 Points Full Highlights (12/26/2015)
Joe “No Habla” Ingles is indisputably the most hangdog-looking player in the NBA. From the perpetual circles under his eyes, to his diminished hair coverage, to his flabby, droopy cheeks, to the everpresent beginnings of a very ugly neckbeard on the underside of his chin, one has to wonder if there’s a reason Australia no…
Read MoreRodney Hood 23 Points Full Highlights (12/13/2015)
You prowlin’ through town You feeling’ the need To hit some guy up Purchase some weed If you be in Utah, The guy’s called Rodney Hood There are times when it’s cool to get a boner But if those times are when seeing naked dude You might be gay Growin’ and mowin’ Pimpin’ and sippin’…
Read MoreGordon Hayward 24 Points/5 Assists Full Highlights (12/9/2015)
After my original source in the Hayward family sadly passed away, I was not able to obtain and publish a copy of Gordon Hayward’s Christmas list last year. Luckily, I have made contact with another insider, who was more than happy to cooperate in exchange for total anonymity. Thanks Uncle Chuck! Here’s the list: -Summoning…
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