My rap career is proceeding apace. I just wrote this gem for Draymond Green (original content do not steal): “Chillin’, just a rookie in the league Shooting twenty percent from trey If you like to look at men’s dongs It’s an indication that you’re gay Working hard to up his game PER no longer at…
Read MoreMonth: March 2014
Matt Bonner 13 Points/4 Assists Full Highlights (3/14/2014)
It baffles me how you’re allowed to say “Red Rocket” on TV. I know it’s Matt Bonner’s nickname, but it is also a reference to the male organ. Is the joke that Bonner has a really big one? Or a small one? Or an especially red one? Or just that it’s funny to have a…
Read MoreDarrell Arthur 18 Points/1 Dunk Full Highlights (3/14/2014)
What kind of uploader would I be if I uploaded Darrell Arthur highlights but failed to include partial lyrics to the theme song for the kid’s cartoon “Arthur”? A bad kind of uploader, that’s what I’d be. I’d probably lose subscribers. So here they are (dope reggae beat not included): “Everyday when you’re walking down…
Read MoreRay Allen 22 Points/5 Threes Full Highlights (3/14/2014)
Prior to tonight’s game, Ray Allen was shooting almost exactly 40% from three on his career. Just a sliver over. If he had made 1/5 of a three less and it would be perfect. And with the volume of those shots that he’s taken over his career, that kind of efficiency is pretty amazing. Stephen…
Read MoreJonas Valanciunas 23 Points Full Highlights (3/14/2014)
There’s something different about these Jonas Valanciunas highlights. Something he doesn’t normally do. Can you figure out? It’s not very obvious until it gets pointed out. But here it is: instead of pumpfaking a million times when he got the ball in the midrange and only after that taking the shot or driving, Jonas for…
Read MoreErsan Ilyasova 22 Points Full Highlights (3/13/2014)
I entered the gymnasium with confidence, trying to appear as if I belonged there. The hustle and bustle of Bucks Media Day was the perfect cover for my devious plot. “Excuse me, Mr. Ilyasova, could I speak to you a moment?” I asked, grabbing Ersan’s arm. “It will really only take a second.” Ersan glanced…
Read MoreKent Bazemore 16 Points Full Highlights (3/13/2014)
Kent Bazemore’s true colors are showing. He doesn’t want to be a defensive specialist off the bench. He wants to be an offensive centerpiece, the kind of guy who takes tons of shots. Who can blame him? When I play basketball I want to score. I don’t want to try and stop the other guy….
Read MoreDennis Schroeder 8 Points/4 Assists Full Highlights (3/13/2014)
Dennis Schroeder (Dënniß ßchrööder for the Germans out there, Guten Tag!) was hyped as the best pure point guard in the draft. That’s a nice way of saying that he can’t score at all. But he has good court vision and quickness, and everyone loves a selfless distributor on their team. He’s not doing super…
Read MoreMike Dunleavy 21 Points/1 Injury Full Highlights (3/13/2014)
Mike Dunleavy, henceforth referred to as “Manleavy”, is allegedly a dirty player. That’s why DeMarcus Cousins hates him. However, since Manleavy is white, he is a “tough competitor” as opposed to an “out-of-control thug”. Let us do away with the concept of race entirely and just accept the fact that all professional athletes are thugs!…
Read MoreTim Hardaway Jr. 22 Points Full Highlights (3/12/2014)
You have 10 seconds to give me one compelling reason that Tim Hardaway Jr. shouldn’t win the Rookie of the Year award. Time’s up. I thought so. No, “MCW has better stats” does not qualify as a compelling reason. I bet Hardaway could get some pretty sick stats too if he was given the keys…
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