January 2014 – Page 16

Shawn Marion 20 Points Full Highlights (1/3/2014)

Out of all the Mavericks players, Shawn Marion seems to be most excited in those lame parody videos that the Mavs media team is always cooking up. You can tell Dirk’s just annoyed, but Shawn’s always giving it his all. I admire that. It takes a lot of cojones to throw your pride out the…

Patrick Patterson 18 Points Full Highlights (1/3/2014)

Patrick “Tupat” Patterson is one of those players who just gets thrown in with deals. A trade sweetener. For good reason. He can shoot mid-range jumpers, and sometimes threes, at a pretty consistent rate. That right there is enough for him to stick in the league forever. Any team would want him, but he’s not…

Pero Antic Career High 16 Points/4 Threes Full Highlights (1/3/2014)

So apparently Greeks don’t like Macedonians? I only ask because on the NBA’s highlight of Pero Antic being clutch there were some Greeks using the term “Monkey-donians”. I guess a few bigots have to ruin it for everybody. They’re just jealous, anyway, that Macedonia actually has a native-born player in the NBA. All the Greeks…

Derrick Favors 21 Points/11 Rebounds Full Highlights (1/2/2014)

Last time I made Derrick Favors highlights, I ranked all current NBA players with the first name “Derrick”. Wouldn’t it be fun if I ranked all NBA players with the last name “Favors”? Yes. It would be fun. If you disagree, just leave. OFFICIAL NBA PLAYERS WITH LAST NAME “FAVORS” POWER RANKINGS 1. Derrick Favors…

Jerryd Bayless 17 Points/4 Assists Full Highlights (1/2/2014)

Jerryd Bayless is another victim of what I like to call the “receding hairline of derision.” Barely out of college, his hair began to retreat further and further up his head until he looked like an old man. Rather than face the world with disgusting empty spots on his forehead, inviting the unrelenting ridicule of…

Gordon Hayward 22 Points/3 Blocks Full Highlights (1/2/2014)

Amid the bustle of the team meal, held in a swank hotel conference room, Gordon Hayward sat in silence. Plate of chicken cordon bleu untouched, he typed and clicked furiously on his laptop. “Yo, playin’ more of that StarCraft again?” Diante Garrett asked, approaching the empty table. “Actually, just putting together a new gaming rig…

Giannis Antetokounmpo 10 Points/5 Assists Full Highlights (1/2/2014)

I’ve seen a lot of comparisons for Giannis Antetokounmpo strewn across the internet. Some of them are worse than others; all of them are hilariously optimistic. Kevin Durant. They have the same body, but Kevin Durant’s jumper is a finely tuned machine. Giannis’ jumper looks like how he looks: a mess of flailing arms. Dirk…

Larry Sanders 16 Points Full Highlights (1/2/2014)

Forgive me if you’ve heard this before. Talented young player balls hard and earns himself a nice big contract. Starts off the next year pretty poorly before getting into a bar fight with a bunch of Albanians and injuring his hand. Fans start to concoct homerish one-sided trade ideas. Maybe you haven’t heard the part…

Jimmer Fredette 15 Points Full Highlights (1/2/2014)

Jimmer Fredette sat alone in the Kings cafeteria, enjoying a burger and some fries. “Hey look, it’s loser Jimmer, sitting by his loser self!” DeMarcus Cousins had swaggered over with his posse of Derrick Williams and Quincy Acy. The other two laughed in a goonish way. “Leave me alone DeMarcus, I already gave you all…

Wesley Matthews 25 Points Full Highlights (1/2/2014)

“Defense wins championships” – Everybody ever This antiquated wisdom might have been true in the old days. But no longer. Not when a team like the Trailblazers is a threat for 20 threes on any given night. Who needs defense when the offensive spacing is so good that even Robin Lopez looks adequate? It is…